The Most Romantic Story Ever Told
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Romeo and Juliet, as it was meant to be told. Read this and get straight A's in all your boring English classes 5eva!


The Most Romantic Story Ever Told, by Dickfart

It was a beautiful crisp summer day in fair Verona when the Montagues and Capulets had a bloody turf war in front of yon McDonald's and ye olde Wendy's. Burgers and fries flooded the streets, as well as the gulls that swooped in to eat their bloodied fried potatoes and overpriced meat byproducts with thou ketchup and thine pickles.

The the prince of all Verona galloped toward the fray on his noble steed and said, "Lawd all mighty. Y'all crazy bitches better stop fuckin' fightin' right the fuck now or I will pop a cap in all y'all bitch asses. YOU HEAR ME?"

So the fighting stopped and they all went home, and the McDonald's employee Romeo said, "Dost thou wanst thy chicken nuggies, o highness?"

"Extra crispy, and douse them in your tears, lad, for word has it that you got DUMPED, SCRUB!" the prince hugged his sides and guffawed. Romeo cried. It was an ugly cry, too. The kind with more boogers than tears.

Later that day Mercutio came to McDonald's after Romeo's shift ended and said, "Yo, Romeo, let's go crash the Capulet's rave, son. It'll be fun. There's gonna be music, bitches, ruffies, orgies..."

"I just want to go home and kill myself," said Romeo.

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" Mercutio slapped his sad and pitiful friend on the shoulder. "See you at the party, and stay safe." Mercutio slid a condom into Romeo's pocket and winked.

So Romeo went to said party, and even though he was a twenty year old man who flunked out of community college, he fell instantly in love with the fourteen year old Capulet, Juliet. He reasoned that, since this was written in Shakespeare's time, back when everything was really old and stupid, this wasn't considered crazy or pedophilic at all. So he approached Juliet and said, "Hey, what's up?"

"Yo," said Juliet, taking note of his Mane Six t-shirt. "You like My Little Pony?"

"Love it!" said Romeo. "I have all of it on Bluray, all of the plushies, figures, posters, t-shirts, comics, official art, socks, underwear, fleece blankets, costumes, make up, shampoo, CD's, musicals, cardboard cutouts, flesh lights, dildos, and a Rainbow Dash body pillow."

"That's not creepy at all," said Juliet innocently. "Please cum to my window tonight."

"I would love nothing more," said Romeo.

He cum to her window that night and said, "Bitch, get out here and let me see them tiddies."

"I'm here, Romeo," said Juliet. She had a Wendy's hamburger tattooed to her hip and claimed it was her cutie mark. Romeo had McDonald's fries tattooed to his own hip. The combination of a Wendy's burger and a McDonald's fry was perfection. Romeo couldn't help himself.

"Marry me, Juliet," he said.

"Oh em gee, yes!" said Juliet.

They got married the next day.

Right after that some fuckboy named Tybalt came to McDonalds and spit in Romeo's McChicken.

"When I herd that my cousin married, not just a Montague, but a FUCKING BRONY Montague, I knew I had to come right away and FUCKING KILL YOU," screamed Tybalt.

"Whoa, man, chill," said Romeo. "I just want piece and love. Friendship is magic."

"Let me handle this," said Mercutio. "Hey, Tybalt. Your momma's so fat she jumped into the sky and got stuck."

"YOUR MOMMA JOKES ARE OLD HAT FROM THE 90's," said Tybalt, and he skewered Mercutio through the stomach with a rusty machete. "It's all about Shrek now, bitch. The 90's are ogre, and so are you."

"He's got a point there," said Romeo.

"Romeo, I thought... we were bros," said Mercutio, coughing up blood.

"We are, Mercutio," said Romeo. "I just don't want to fight Capulets or the Wendy's corporation anymore. I want to be free to love whomever and whatever I please and to have my own opinions. If everything I love in life can be found in a fourteen year old girl and cartoon ponies then so be it."

"Tybalt might be a dick, a Capulet, and a brogre, but you're a fucking creepy pedophile. I hope Tybalt murders you," said Mercutio, and then he died.

"He's right, you know," said Tybalt, brandishing his bloodied machete and hopping behind the counter. Romeo would be his next victim, but thinking on his feet Romeo ran toward the deep fryers. When Tybalt's guard was down Romeo shoved Tybalt's fat head in the vat of filthy, boiling grease. Now Verona would have a hint of Capulet in all of their fries, which made him just as much a traitor to the Montagues as he was to the Capulets.

"You done fucked up, son," said the prince, gobbling down his nuggies as the police of Verona locked Romeo's ass up and threw away the key.

Meanwhile, Juliet was at home crying because her cousin Tybalt was dead. Just kidding. She was crying because her husband was in jail for murder, statutory rape, and violating McDonald's property with Capulet scum. You'd better believe there was a lawsuit on his hands!

The friar, a fellow Rainbow Dash enthusiast, suggested that Juliet drink a poison to make her family think she was dead. That way, once Romeo was released on parole, she could wake up and the two of them could go live in the woods, trotting, galloping, and singing pony songs forever. It was a plan that made perfect sense and wasn't the least bit convoluted.

Well, that didn't happen. When Romeo got out of jail two years later, Juliet had moved on and married the prince. She was the princess consort, soon to be queen, of Verona now, and Romeo was a washed up loser. So he killed himself.

The End

Just kidding. Juliet is just a dumb teenager, and like every dumb teenager on the Internet, she wouldn't do jack shit that her parents told her to because they were undermining her individuality and it was literally so abusive to be told "no" all the time. So she did the friar's plan instead, and then Romeo got out of jail somehow and saw her, seemingly dead, so he killed himself.

"Oh no," said Juliet when she woke up. "Well, at least I have an excuse to leave this godforsaken world where my parents hate me and I'm not a real pony."

So she pulled out a sword, which was actually a gun, and shot herself. Everypony in the audience cried a whole lot.

The End


End file.
